Nine: X, The Scar

Face down in a puddle of perplexing struggle 
A vicious voice whispers from behind, drown in it
Here I cry, here I mourn
A freehand recipe of unsung potential
Life donated to the act of love
Riddled with pain, disconnect, barriers
Perpetually diagnosed with mutating unworthiness
A sounding board of heartbreak
Now without a straw, I know I am unworthy
Unworthy to love - to be loved 
Tear from me this longing love towering above my chest
An all-being halo too high for hands to grasp
Unworthy of this life I cannot seem to harness
To hold, extremities oh-so cold
Unworthy of those who I entrust to receive this sacred love

My anxiety, my sadness, my overactive heart 
Pulsing to export the lion’s share of my warmth 
Energetically bleeding out so the hopeless will come, will feast
It pours out with no branch of a river able to erode its way back to me
I thought I was malleable, made of skin and flesh 
It leads me astray, left to my own devices of which I can hardly recover
I keep moving forward to wind up circled back
Fooled by the toxic forest of testosterone and turmoil 
Weak in ways, in ways a warrior of a wayward way
Synchronicity seeming too far upstream 
I wonder, can anyone handle this heart o’ mine? 
Created in love ~ meant for love ~ ready to love 
‘Where if not here could you be?’ my belly belts as I mosey on
I give and I try and I cry 
Only to end up tear soaked and alone, utterly overdrawn
Many experience love at first sight, to which they knew the path ahead 
Some are less quick to know, taking their time though by and by still dance past the honey-line
Here I fall time and time again, held on by horned hope
Never caught, never given a shot 
In a mechanically uninspired world, I feel misguided in trusting this organic heart 
Alluring me with desire so haunting, such deep rooted affection 
Tenderly holding my hand until I realize I have overstepped the cliff, releasing its grip into my free fall
Plunging into the frigid, choppy, lonely seas below
Without a silky, soft soul to save me, not even soften my landing 

Some say this is not so…
There is hope to be had, there is a love deserving of you
To think I had the works: willing and wanting to share body and soul with a revered receiver 
In lieu, left as litter, reliving an inevitable past and future
Food waste for the soul
Devoured, consumed and constructed
All I ever wanted was for you to try
The modern appetite lacks savour, lacks nurture, lacks compassion - left to rot and mold
While I cannot love lightly, it should feel light, inspired and bright 
Even the hungriest hope will eventually leave the grasp of an unrequited force
Those who fail to make something of all they feel
Why do I go on? My heart longs to try on while needing to stop 
My only escape, my only cure 
The kiss of the last beat 

Listen with fascination to love, within or afar
Please trust in its purpose should it come knocking at your door
Let it out, allow it in
Trust the feeling as hard as it can be to bear
There are those who may never be so lucky 
Whoever you are, wherever you are, I wish for you to find a love deserving of you
A love as powerful as you
A love that wraps itself around you, your skin of silk, supported and upright
A love that becomes one ~ never alone even when you are 
A love that is ever flowing and boosts you up, prioritizing your needs as a new whole
The forsaken hearts seek reliability in the runabout 
Surrender to your love, that fire that lights your core 
A serenading orchestra of sacrifice and abundance 
Flirt away with such an open and vulnerable risk
I hope you find a love that allows you to believe in the love that I have felt, in the love that you are
Even though I feel broken, I pick up the pieces and still choose to lead with this love 
Maybe one day we will meet in the middle 
The grass will look greener from wherever we both stand, meandering the meadows
My escape from the pain will come one day, one way
With my heart, X marks the scar, healing not far at all